Returning from Maternity Leave - a guest post from Mother Running Vegan

This is a guest post from Lizzy Silverton, aka Mother Running Vegan. We loved reading her musings about returning to work after having her daughter, and we think you will too, whether or not maternity leave is something you’ve already handled, will face one day or have no desire to experience!

Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva from Pexels

I want to preface everything I’m about to say with a simple statement: I love motherhood. I say this, not because it’s necessarily surprising (although perhaps it may be), but because so much of the discourse around parenting, and especially parenting and work, is wrapped up in how incredibly hard it is. And it is. It’s really hard. But it’s not just hard. It’s also rewarding. It’s challenging (in a good way) and it can help you to develop new levels of empathy and self-awareness. There is a lot of value in hearing about the rawness of coalface parenting. It’s nice to know that you’re not alone in your struggles; that it’s normal to have moments of desolation, fear, panic and anger. But there is also great value in positivity and perspective.

The experiences I’m sharing here are personal, and to me they carry a certain novelty. But they are not novel experiences. Nor are they exceptional or limited to a balance between motherhood and work. Such a juggle also exists for many others, many of whom did not take on their balancing act by choice. The universality of feelings of guilt and anxiety, multitasking and prioritising are not only the preserve of parents in the workplace, but it is through parenthood that I have gained a privileged insight into this tide of emotion and experience. 

Leaving work

I was afraid to leave work for maternity leave. Yet when the time came, I found letting go easier than I might have imagined. In the run-up to my leaving, instead of work gently slowing down, everything seemed to gain a new sense of urgency. I found myself trying to do more and more until I reached fever pitch. And as long as I kept showing up at the office, there remained an expectation (which came as much from me as from others) that I was firing on all cylinders, which, if I’m brutally honest, I was not. Deciding to finish work and acknowledging that I’d been struggling was like an enormous weight being lifted from my shoulders. It also gave me the impetus I needed to start handing over my workload. 

And once I’d stopped I felt, well, fine. I didn’t feel my identity had been ripped away as I had feared, or that my brain had immediately atrophied. It was a hot summer and reading in the garden, yoga on the lawn, bobbing in the lido and trying to keep my enormous, swollen body cool preoccupied me well enough in the days before I had my daughter. 

Returning to work

Just as I had feared leaving work, so too I felt a lot of anxiety about going back a year later. In the weeks leading up to my return this manifested itself as an underlying sense of unease. A little niggle in the pit of my stomach that somehow managed to take the shine off my days. Of course the 11 months of maternity leave were rife with ups and downs, but just as the ecosystem of our household had seemed to reach a perfect balance, it was time to dislodge it again. While I felt positive about the prospect of going back to work – I love my job and my colleagues – and relished the thought of sinking my teeth into some new challenges, I was also aware that my decision to return to the office was about to upset the equilibrium we had found.

Nursery Guilt 

On top of this was a sense of guilt over sending my daughter to nursery. This is a strange kind of guilt, and one that I can’t really explain. My rational mind knows that nursery is a positive place where children enjoy new and important experiences and interactions. It knows that by going to work I am also acting as a role model to my daughter. Yet this doesn’t seem to counterbalance the emotional tug of walking away from the nursery gates each morning (a tug which never really seems to go away). 

From a practical perspective, if you are planning to send your child to nursery, take your commute into consideration. You may love that nursery 20 minutes’ drive in the wrong direction to work, but I can promise you, you’ll love it a little less at 7:00am when you’re racing there covered in breakfast cereal, or at 5:30pm as you tear yourself away from work, phone to your ear, hoping to avoid the guilt of being the last mum, while your child sits waiting in their coat. And don’t forget, the nursery may charge you extra for being late. If you are that colleague who raises an eyebrow when a parent-peer races out of the office bang on time (and I admit, I was once that colleague), remember that they are off to face more raised eyebrows from the nursery workers who are cleaning up around a solitary, weeping child. 

Finding time 

I went back to work part-time. In theory, this seemed to me like some magical panacea to the mum-guilt/work dilemma. The reality was that it left me feeling like I wasn’t really fulfilling either role particularly well. With my return to work, came the realisation that my life pre-parenthood had a certain amount of contingency time built in. There were pauses between transactions, minutes kicking around on train platforms, cups of tea before work, the capacity to work late. The time that I had previously taken for granted, that I hadn’t even noticed existed, had been taken from me and it made things difficult. Every transition became a rush, every journey a race against the clock. The success of a day could hang on something as fragile as the time my daughter woke up, or whether the trains were on time. I had to learn fast. To prepare. 

If I wanted to shower, have breakfast and hit the office like a woman in control of the situation (which I did), I realised that I’d have to have everything ready to go the night before (down to the teabags sitting in the cups and the kettle full). If I didn’t want to keep being the last mum at pick-up time (which I didn’t), I’d need to work more efficiently, start asking the question if my attendance at a meeting was really crucial, focus colleagues’ minds on agendas and learn to prioritise (I mean really prioritise, not just the kind of casual prioritising you mention in your CV!). 

A big part of feeling satisfied at work now has been communicating with colleagues my fears around not being as ‘all over everything’ as I once was, or feeling like my ‘part-time’ status implies that I’m any less dedicated. It’s important to remember, if you care about work, it will be apparent to your peers whether or not you have to leave the office at 5:30pm. 

Am I still me?

I feared in becoming a mother I would become a different person and at first I invested a lot of energy in trying to prove to my friends and colleagues that I hadn’t changed. But I have changed. The beating heart of my day has gone from a rhythmic thump, thump, thump to a more random thumperty thump thump....thumperty thump. But that’s ok. I’ve learnt a lot about what has value to me and how and where I want to invest my energy. I’ve gained perspective on my work projects: yes they are still important, but not at the cost of my family or my emotional health. I’ve learned the value of transferable skills and to be less judgemental about absence (both my own and other peoples’). And I’ve proven to myself that I can embrace change, both from within and without.

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You can read more of Lizzy’s thoughts on exercise, motherhood and veganism on her blog.

How to Manage Imposter Syndrome

We've all heard it. That little voice inside your head saying 'You don't deserve to be here. You don't belong here. They're giving you way too much credit for this. You're going to be found out...'

In an Insta poll ahead of this post over 90% of respondents said they'd experienced imposter syndrome. People told us they’d struggled with it for years; some said on a daily basis it ‘crushed their confidence’ and that they push themselves to appear more confident - ‘fake it til you make it’ - than they actually feel.

And I know from personal experience the damage it can do. When I started my pattern company I was really anxious about promoting it in any way because I was convinced people would say I shouldn’t be releasing patterns because I wasn't formally trained, even though I knew objectively that the designs worked, and had had the patterns properly tested and checked. And now, when I write stuff for The Career Girl I also often catch myself thinking ‘why would anyone read what you have to say?’ or ‘what makes you qualified to write about this?' when I'm writing about things I've experienced and learned along the way. No one can say I didn't experience those things, and I'm not forcing anyone to read my thoughts, so why do I worry? Imposter syndrome alert! 

'Imposter syndrome' was first identified in 1978 by psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes. No surprise there that the people to pinpoint this phenomenon were women; it is thought that women are on the whole more likely to suffer from it than men. And let's face it – for centuries in western society, women, people of colour and other marginalised groups have been told, firmly, by society and even by the law, that they don't belong in certain spaces and roles, so it's hardly surprising that these are the groups amongst whom imposter syndrome is most prevalent – after all, we've got a millennium or more of ingrained outsider-ness to overcome. 

Imposter syndrome tells you that you still don't belong – in your job, in your workplace, in your community, even in your friendship group or family. It convinces you that all of your achievements to date are the result, not of your hard work or talent, but of luck, coincidence and perhaps even 'happy misunderstandings'. You aren't actually up to the job, and sooner or later, you're going to be found out. It pays no attention to hard evidence of abilities, strengths, qualifications, popularity, riding roughshod over them straight to the front of your brain.

It's a issue for obvious reasons. It can stop you from speaking up or sharing your ideas for fear of exposing your ignorance. It means you avoid asking for help because again, you don't want to flag up any weakness or gaps in your knowledge, and also not taking due credit for your work, when given. It often manifests itself in women not applying for jobs unless they meet all the stated requirements – one of our followers admitted she hasn't applied for jobs she's fully qualified for simply because they are too 'senior'. Perhaps it even extends so far as to make you suspicious of and anxious about compliments, promotions, even relationships. All of these manifestations will have detrimental effects not only on you yourself, but also on people around you. Shockingly, one of our respondents said she has even quit jobs because she simply didn’t feel good enough to be in them - imagine the collective loss teams, projects and businesses must unknowingly experience thanks to imposter syndrome…

So here are some fixes I've used to help me fight against imposter syndrome:

For a start, it's important to try and work out just where your sense of being an imposter is coming from. For most people, it's the direct result of insecurities about who we are and what we can do. But in some cases, the imposter syndrome might actually be caused by something external – for example, if everyone in your workplace doesn't look like you (i.e. you're the only woman, or person of colour, or person with disabilities) or if your team makes you feel like an outsider through exclusionary activities (e.g. after work socialising with alcohol when you don't drink, or have caring responsibilities to get home to), then it's hardly surprising if you start to feel like an imposter. 

Focus on your successes. Keep your CV and LinkedIn profile up-to-date with any achievements and perhaps even keep a list of positive comments and times when you've made a concrete contribution to a project's success. If you're self-employed, keep a note of positive feedback from customers and anyone else you work with. This reinforces your awareness of your abilities and gives you an immediate comeback to any niggling feelings of failure.

Accept that there will be times when you don't know the answer or what to do next, and that this is normal, not a sign of failure. But even if you have failed, remember that 'failure' is not a dead end, nor a permanent state, but simply a feature of progress. Stop focusing on the concept of failure and regard the situation instead as a learning opportunity. So you didn't get that job offer/promotion? Don't berate yourself for having the cheek to apply in the first place, but seek feedback if possible and look at what you might do differently next time. And acknowledge that, especially at the moment, opportunities might simply be harder to come by, and that's got absolutely nothing to do with your skillset!

Write down the thoughts you feel stem from imposter syndrome. Then imagine saying them to a friend or colleague. Would you be telling someone else that they're just not good enough? Try practising talking to yourself as you would to a friend, with encouragement and positive suggestions, rather than dismal forebodings. Stating things out loud often exposes their weak points.

Examine any external factors involved in your imposter syndrome and see if these can be improved. If your workplace or team set-up makes you feel excluded, speak to your manager or HR team if possible. Share your feelings with sympathetic coworkers – you'll almost certainly find you're not the only person feeling insecure.

Also, voice your fears to friends and family and listen, properly, to their rebuttals. One of our Instagram followers pointed out that it's much easier to let negative thoughts spiral out of control when working from home alone, so make extra effort to check in with others, share how you're feeling and perhaps even give them a boost, as they're probably feeling the same way too! Another follower advises making friends with people in similar roles, as you’ll quickly discover they share your feelings.

Remember: practice will lead to progress, so the more you push back against negative thoughts the easier it will become and the more you will be able to recognise the difference between being appropriately cautious, and succumbing to imposter syndrome. The goal ultimately is not to become impervious to self-doubt, but to recognise when it's the negative voice inside your head that's the real imposter.

What it's like to be a ... dentist

This post is in our series What’s it like to be…, giving a glimpse into the realities of certain jobs. Ever wondered what someone who works in marketing actually does all day? What are the lesser-known qualities you need to work in finance? What unexpected surprises does being a teacher hold? This series is here to help answer these questions! This week we’ve been having a chat with Emily, a London dentist.

What job do you do?

I’m an associate dentist at a general dental practice in South London.

How did you end up in that role?

All dentists, unless you own your own practice or work in a hospital or community centre setting, are associate dentists! It’s just what we call a dentist who works at someone else’s practice. I didn’t want to specialise further as I couldn’t stand the idea of more studying at the time!

What's your general working day like?

I would normally get in for 9am or whenever my first patient is. My practice operates 9am-6pm with a 1 hour lunch break and on a busy day I’ll see patients all day. Every day is different as I’ll be doing various treatments and check ups all through the day. No two patients are the same so it’s always different. If it’s a quiet day and I don’t have many patients booked in, I might be catching up on admin/ record keeping etc but sometimes I read a book or bring in a craft or just make a lot of tea! 

Of course with the current COVID-19 crisis, life is very different in the dental setting as it’s a “high risk” activity. We’re all having to adapt quickly and adjust to the ever changing guidelines.

Is there anything you do in your job that you never expected you'd be doing?

I spend a lot of time making small talk... Sounds silly but creating a good rapport with patients is so important!

Is there anything you thought you'd be doing but you don't?

I thought I’d want to do fancier dentistry - smile makeovers and the like. In the end I didn’t feel that it’s worth the risk and stress that comes with the high end work. I’m much happier as the general family dentist!

Are there any qualities that you didn't realise you'd need for this job?

The ability to troubleshoot on the fly. That’s essentially what the job is in multiple ways! Patients present with a problem and expect an answer straightaway. The same goes if anything goes wrong in the practice - problems with tech or equipment for example. We’re very much expected to find solutions and work around problems.

Any words of wisdom for someone thinking of becoming a dentist?

Don’t do it! I’m only kidding. Maybe... At the end of the day it’s a good stable career choice in which no day is the same and you get to help people. It can be hard work and high stress but many people thrive doing it. I’d say it’s a good choice for quick thinkers with good motor skills and people skills!